Defeat

Dear readers,

As a young girl, I dreamt of being somebody. As an adult, all my dreams lay crumbling on my feet as I realise the bitter reality that I am no one; nobody.

I thought that this sadness; this despair that I felt inside of me would magically go away. Try as I might, I experience bouts of it. Sometimes, it leaves and sometimes, it comes back and stays for too long like an unwelcome aunt.

Today it arrives with a bang! A dull pain at the back of my head and I’m rushing to bend over the toilet as I throw up guilt, frustration, and hopelessness…but the despair- it never gets emptied out. It stays as a remnant in my stomach, slowly seeping to other areas of my body. It is ice cold. It grips me inside like a vice threatening to never let go…and I let it. I am drained of any energy, any emotion, any light…I let it consume me because I am tired. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of fighting alone.

I surrender to my bed and arm myself against the voices with a soft, furry friend. I cry on my dog and she sighs. She lets me because I have no one else to turn to. The onslaught continues…”You’ll never be good enough!”, “Nobody likes you.”, “You are worthless.”

I let myself believe that they are right somehow. I know that perhaps this time they will win…and they will stay far too long like victors at a bloody battlefront having a drunken feast. They will laugh, and drink, and talk about their great conquest…and I will lie still and wait till they are bored of me…wait till I replenish my energy…wait till I have some peace even if it means that I cease to exist.

Seconds feel like hours in this war. My body longs for a ceasefire…but my mind…my mind is lost as a sheep that wandered too far from its flock and got devoured by a hungry wolf. Seconds feel like a lifetime in this war. I brace myself against the steel cold and await my fate.

“Only the dead have seen the end of war.” – Plato

Advertisements

Power to Move

 

cross

Dear readers (lets out a long sigh),

I wonder if some of you have partners or spouses who are not Christian. I wonder if you are going through the same predicament as I. It is very testing to lead someone to Christ especially if you are emotionally invested in the relationship. Some days, I feel like all is lost, some times, I feel like leaving and other days, I block it out because it grieves my heart.

I have waited 2 years but there doesn’t seem to be any sign of him turning to Christ. I know that God works in mysterious ways and I know that salvation is in God’s own timing. I know this yet I still grow impatient and frustrated that I am somehow alone in this. It feels like I am fighting a losing battle.

Deep inside, I know that I have been drifting away from God. I can barely feel His comfort though I know He is always there. This blog is a sign of my returning to Him. I do not enjoy being backslidden; having one foot in the world and the other in Christ. I never imagined choosing a partner who wasn’t Christian and introducing him to my family. I really must love this person if he was able to break me out of my ideals.

I must make a point that I am not criticising him. Having the knowledge of God and His salvation is an amazing grace. I just wish I could share the joy of worshipping God with him and knowing that our future is safe in His hands. I wish he could know the amazing power of prayer and abundance of God’s goodness. My partner has had a tough history coming from a broken home and having nothing. He has a void in his heart that I could only hope to fill…but I know that only God can make his heart whole again.

I have to trust in God’s plans and know that I am not the only one who wants him to turn to Christ. Of course, his heavenly Father wants his child to turn to Him too! I have found a useful post for Christians with partners struggling to accept the faith which I shall link here. I wish you all a Blessed Sunday and harmony within your relationships.  Remember to love, support, and respect your partners.

 

Masquerade

Dear readers (or rather myself),

It is 1pm on a Thursday. Yesterday was my 2 year anniversary with my boyfriend. It has been a milestone for us because we’ve experienced such hardship in our long-distance relationship.

We don’t come from the same city, nor the same country, and perhaps, not even the same region. This thought used to make me feel so powerless that there bore a great distance between us. However, if I can make someone feel a connection to me through this distance, I must be pretty darn powerful (here’s my attempt at positivity). 

It does not help that I am relatively unstable nor does it help that I am unable to find permanent work to fund my travel expenses to see him…but I’m sure that things will work out some way or another. Things tend to settle themselves with time.

Well, sometimes my boyfriend doesn’t see it that way. He thinks it’s actions that drive the course for change. What I think is that; in some ways, yes and in some ways, no. I have been trying, I really have. Do you really think I want to be stuck in this predicament? I’m just a firm believer in God’s plans. If I don’t get something, I’d think it wasn’t for me.

I need to be stronger for myself. I tend to get sorely depressed when I don’t feel good enough for him or my family. I tend to please them in some ways by pressurising myself and not taking a stand for myself. I have learnt that in this way, it is only I who suffers.

I read this interesting article which I shall link here. It’s titled, “The Hidden Antidote for Depression”. I think the title is spot on! It examines the hidden mechanisms behind depression. The main reason being; denying your sense of self.

mask

I have never thought that this was one of the reasons for depression. I thought maybe it was because (according to Google), I was overthinking, over focusing on myself and my problems, I was addicted to negativity, something was wrong with my neurotransmitters, diet, genetics, lack of exercise, the list goes on…Denying your sense of self depresses you when you can’t be who you want to be, or behave in a certain way, or even say what you really feel. It gets exhausting.

I read some of my diary entries about a short work stint I did. I wasn’t happy there. These are parts of the entries I wrote:

“I hate myself…I don’t even recognise myself in the mirror nor know who am I…”

“I’ve become quite the actress at work…it’s quite amusing to watch myself”

“…and when I come home, all I do is acting.”

“I am the entertainer; I give people what they want to see.”

“I really hate who I’ve become…I don’t know who I am anymore.”

“I never wanted to become this person…a disappointment to my family and boyfriend”

As you can see, I was trying to please everybody around me including people I didn’t even like at work, but not myself. I repressed myself so much that I did not know who I was anymore. (I do apologise about the excessive ellipses. My diary is a private Twitter account kept in lockdown).

I have come to the conclusion that; you must make yourself happy first then you can think about making other people happy. This can be difficult in relationships. Your partner is supposed to be on your team right? Your partner is supposed to be part of you. Your family is supposed to be supporting you? Well, yes…and no. They do want the best for you (if you are in healthy relationships), but they are not always right and they are not always right about you. 

You know yourself best. You know when to push your limits and when not to. You know what things make you happy and what doesn’t. It’s okay to step outside of the comfort zone but it’s also okay not to. It’s up to you; on your own time and target. Nobody should force or pressure anyone to do anything they do not want to do. Nobody should have to feel like a failure just because they didn’t do what wasn’t expected of them. You are your own vessel. You have to keep yourself afloat. Even if your loved ones do not understand your decisions, you do. Be you. Do you.

You will get there. I will get there. We will get there to that place that we want to be in. It takes time, some hardship, lots of prayers, and a lot of belief through God within yourself. We have to learn that even the people who love us can be detrimental to our own growth. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes…but one thing is sure, we know ourselves best and more so, God knows us better than we know ourselves.

“Not every loss is a lost.”

I do not believe in luck but you can infer from this quote:

“Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.”

 

Jitter bugs

IMG_9855

Dear readers,

I am currently sitting and having my breakfast by a window facing the many homogenous buildings of my city.

It is a bleak, grey day. This is perhaps, one of my favourite types of days. It is grey. There is no blinding, bright sunshine starkly reminding you of the little hours you’ve slept nor any turbulent thunderstorms that threaten to remove any trace of beauty and self-respect in public. It is just grey. I think I enjoy it because you can always blame your mood on the weather.

“Oh, you know, just a gloomy day…”

Instead of, “Oh, you know, just my usual anxiety depressing me, ha!”

I have a work meeting today. I can’t help but feel overwhelmed. I am trying to be positive but it’s hard when my anxiety is rattling all the bones inside of me. It’s hard when I feel alone.

I feel panic trying to rise up my throat but I keep swallowing and tell myself not to think about it. It doesn’t listen. My bowl of barely eaten soggy cereals stares up at me as proof.

Tears crept down my face when I woke up. I must be overthinking again. It really is an addiction. I’m focusing on ‘what could go wrong’ instead of ‘what could go right’.

I miss my boyfriend but he is more than 6000 miles away from me. Missing him makes me feel disempowered; useless; like I can’t stand on my two feet and need him as a crutch. But I can’t stand by myself either…

I feel restless and upset. I am looking at the time ticking away reminding me that every minute that passes by is a minute closer to doom. I cannot afford to think this way. I must be strong. After all, society values strength and independence but how many of us are strong alone? How many of us can be independent without any help? If there was a sad emoji, I would use it here.

The Bible teaches us that God is our strength. Without Him, we are powerless, a vanity. This is true. I feel distanced from God. I feel like I have sinned against him and He won’t help me. I also know that this is a lie. Doubt is one of the many weapons of the devil. Doubt, hopelessness, a sense of doom- I am losing in the spiritual warfare.

I don’t think anyone can see how broken I am inside. I paint my face and cover all the signs of sleeplessness and tears. I cannot paint my expression on unfortunately, but people always seem to mistake my silence for arrogance.

I hope that today will go well, that tomorrow will be better. I hope that none of you will have to feel this way but I know that too many people are going through what I am feeling now. There are many “I”s in this post but don’t mistake self-scrutiny for confidence. Be well, all of you. God bless you all.

Unsteady feet

Dear readers (or no one in particular),

I haven’t blogged since I was 14 years old. This year, I turn 24. It has been a 10 year break since I had the courage to share my thoughts online.

Yes, I am an anxious and insane Christian and have been since I graduated in 2014 and could not find permanent work.

Before you go, “Aren’t Christians supposed to be trusting in God and should not have fear?”

Why, yes! I do trust in God, I do believe He has a divine plan for me but I will face fear in this life. Fear is normal. Fear is natural. Fear was probably the first emotion that we experienced once we came out of our mother’s womb.

I want to break the illusion that anxiety sufferers will not lead a happy and successful life.

Firstly, by no means am i defining success with vast wealth and social connections (something that the world tends to do).

Success means contentment. Being grateful for the things we have and not worrying about the things that we don’t have or can’t do.

I am very grateful that I have supportive parents who have never criticised me about my lack of employment. Although, it took them awhile to understand my situation. You see, I suffer from migraines and with stress it gets worse. Add anxiety to the list and I have:

  • constant crying
  • chest pains
  • heart palpitations
  • loss of appetite
  • depression
  • suicidal thoughts
  • migraines everyday

This is not a pity party. This is not an excuse. I am not the only one in this world that suffe- that experiences this. I can’t be the only one. I am not alone. We are never alone. In a world where the cost of living is going up and employment rates are going down, I can’t be alone in this.

I know that not everyone is having a fun time. Everyone is suffering in some way. Of course, there are levels of suffering. Some people will never experience anxiety on the magnitude that I am too accustomed to. Some people (I have talked to), experience anxiety but they do not cry constantly, they do not have chest pains, they do not lose sleep over it, they do not have difficulty getting out of bed, they do not think of suicide.

Some people think suicide is a sign of weakness, a cowardice attempt to avoid all problems. A person who struggles with depression and suicide has one of the biggest hearts. They feel things more strongly than you. They experience pain and negativity more frequently than you. It is only natural to want to end the pain. Arguably, it is wrong but you cannot wholly blame the person for thinking this way or finally acting on it.

Is the world a good place? I have to say no. Depressed people know this. They see suffering on the streets, people who no longer smile, children with unkempt uniforms while their parents slog hours at work to give them education, people going hungry while the rich spend thousands of dollars on surgery and a dress for the red carpet but are still unhappy because of societal pressure. It is not a fair world. It is not a kind world.

I realise suicidal thinking may seem contradictory to Christian beliefs. Let me explain myself. I am an anxious Christian. It is hard to be a lamb (what the Bible teaches us) in a world that calls itself a dog-eat-dog-world. After years of struggling with depression, I confided in a friend that I was suicidal. I brought it up casually and we talked about it. Although, I could see hurt in her eyes that I would even think of ending my life and devastate those around me. What she told me changed me.

She said, “You don’t want to die, you just want to end the pain.” I couldn’t answer her but just nodded. It resonated within me. It brought tears to my eyes. Most people think suicidal people wallow in their sadness and seek pity when in fact, many want to be understood. Many seek for a way to end the ongoing pain.

I can only say this. I still have anxiety. I had anxiety this morning and woke up crying and can still feel the mild pangs of chest pains from the prior onslaught of an anxiety attack. I am not writing to tell you how to overcome anxiety. I am sharing to understand it. You cannot defeat an enemy without knowing it first.

I have cried and prayed and left it to God. The rest is up to me to continue the faith and fight it everyday. I cannot let this debilitate me. I still have doctor’s appointments to go to and a permanent job to find. It will be hard. Nobody said life was easy.

But God said, “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.” So, that’s what I’m going to do.