Jitter bugs

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Dear readers,

I am currently sitting and having my breakfast by a window facing the many homogenous buildings of my city.

It is a bleak, grey day. This is perhaps, one of my favourite types of days. It is grey. There is no blinding, bright sunshine starkly reminding you of the little hours you’ve slept nor any turbulent thunderstorms that threaten to remove any trace of beauty and self-respect in public. It is just grey. I think I enjoy it because you can always blame your mood on the weather.

“Oh, you know, just a gloomy day…”

Instead of, “Oh, you know, just my usual anxiety depressing me, ha!”

I have a work meeting today. I can’t help but feel overwhelmed. I am trying to be positive but it’s hard when my anxiety is rattling all the bones inside of me. It’s hard when I feel alone.

I feel panic trying to rise up my throat but I keep swallowing and tell myself not to think about it. It doesn’t listen. My bowl of barely eaten soggy cereals stares up at me as proof.

Tears crept down my face when I woke up. I must be overthinking again. It really is an addiction. I’m focusing on ‘what could go wrong’ instead of ‘what could go right’.

I miss my boyfriend but he is more than 6000 miles away from me. Missing him makes me feel disempowered; useless; like I can’t stand on my two feet and need him as a crutch. But I can’t stand by myself either…

I feel restless and upset. I am looking at the time ticking away reminding me that every minute that passes by is a minute closer to doom. I cannot afford to think this way. I must be strong. After all, society values strength and independence but how many of us are strong alone? How many of us can be independent without any help? If there was a sad emoji, I would use it here.

The Bible teaches us that God is our strength. Without Him, we are powerless, a vanity. This is true. I feel distanced from God. I feel like I have sinned against him and He won’t help me. I also know that this is a lie. Doubt is one of the many weapons of the devil. Doubt, hopelessness, a sense of doom- I am losing in the spiritual warfare.

I don’t think anyone can see how broken I am inside. I paint my face and cover all the signs of sleeplessness and tears. I cannot paint my expression on unfortunately, but people always seem to mistake my silence for arrogance.

I hope that today will go well, that tomorrow will be better. I hope that none of you will have to feel this way but I know that too many people are going through what I am feeling now. There are many “I”s in this post but don’t mistake self-scrutiny for confidence. Be well, all of you. God bless you all.

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