Defeat

Dear readers,

As a young girl, I dreamt of being somebody. As an adult, all my dreams lay crumbling on my feet as I realise the bitter reality that I am no one; nobody.

I thought that this sadness; this despair that I felt inside of me would magically go away. Try as I might, I experience bouts of it. Sometimes, it leaves and sometimes, it comes back and stays for too long like an unwelcome aunt.

Today it arrives with a bang! A dull pain at the back of my head and I’m rushing to bend over the toilet as I throw up guilt, frustration, and hopelessness…but the despair- it never gets emptied out. It stays as a remnant in my stomach, slowly seeping to other areas of my body. It is ice cold. It grips me inside like a vice threatening to never let go…and I let it. I am drained of any energy, any emotion, any light…I let it consume me because I am tired. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of fighting alone.

I surrender to my bed and arm myself against the voices with a soft, furry friend. I cry on my dog and she sighs. She lets me because I have no one else to turn to. The onslaught continues…”You’ll never be good enough!”, “Nobody likes you.”, “You are worthless.”

I let myself believe that they are right somehow. I know that perhaps this time they will win…and they will stay far too long like victors at a bloody battlefront having a drunken feast. They will laugh, and drink, and talk about their great conquest…and I will lie still and wait till they are bored of me…wait till I replenish my energy…wait till I have some peace even if it means that I cease to exist.

Seconds feel like hours in this war. My body longs for a ceasefire…but my mind…my mind is lost as a sheep that wandered too far from its flock and got devoured by a hungry wolf. Seconds feel like a lifetime in this war. I brace myself against the steel cold and await my fate.

“Only the dead have seen the end of war.” – Plato

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Dear readers,

I am currently sitting and having my breakfast by a window facing the many homogenous buildings of my city.

It is a bleak, grey day. This is perhaps, one of my favourite types of days. It is grey. There is no blinding, bright sunshine starkly reminding you of the little hours you’ve slept nor any turbulent thunderstorms that threaten to remove any trace of beauty and self-respect in public. It is just grey. I think I enjoy it because you can always blame your mood on the weather.

“Oh, you know, just a gloomy day…”

Instead of, “Oh, you know, just my usual anxiety depressing me, ha!”

I have a work meeting today. I can’t help but feel overwhelmed. I am trying to be positive but it’s hard when my anxiety is rattling all the bones inside of me. It’s hard when I feel alone.

I feel panic trying to rise up my throat but I keep swallowing and tell myself not to think about it. It doesn’t listen. My bowl of barely eaten soggy cereals stares up at me as proof.

Tears crept down my face when I woke up. I must be overthinking again. It really is an addiction. I’m focusing on ‘what could go wrong’ instead of ‘what could go right’.

I miss my boyfriend but he is more than 6000 miles away from me. Missing him makes me feel disempowered; useless; like I can’t stand on my two feet and need him as a crutch. But I can’t stand by myself either…

I feel restless and upset. I am looking at the time ticking away reminding me that every minute that passes by is a minute closer to doom. I cannot afford to think this way. I must be strong. After all, society values strength and independence but how many of us are strong alone? How many of us can be independent without any help? If there was a sad emoji, I would use it here.

The Bible teaches us that God is our strength. Without Him, we are powerless, a vanity. This is true. I feel distanced from God. I feel like I have sinned against him and He won’t help me. I also know that this is a lie. Doubt is one of the many weapons of the devil. Doubt, hopelessness, a sense of doom- I am losing in the spiritual warfare.

I don’t think anyone can see how broken I am inside. I paint my face and cover all the signs of sleeplessness and tears. I cannot paint my expression on unfortunately, but people always seem to mistake my silence for arrogance.

I hope that today will go well, that tomorrow will be better. I hope that none of you will have to feel this way but I know that too many people are going through what I am feeling now. There are many “I”s in this post but don’t mistake self-scrutiny for confidence. Be well, all of you. God bless you all.

Unsteady feet

Dear readers (or no one in particular),

I haven’t blogged since I was 14 years old. This year, I turn 24. It has been a 10 year break since I had the courage to share my thoughts online.

Yes, I am an anxious and insane Christian and have been since I graduated in 2014 and could not find permanent work.

Before you go, “Aren’t Christians supposed to be trusting in God and should not have fear?”

Why, yes! I do trust in God, I do believe He has a divine plan for me but I will face fear in this life. Fear is normal. Fear is natural. Fear was probably the first emotion that we experienced once we came out of our mother’s womb.

I want to break the illusion that anxiety sufferers will not lead a happy and successful life.

Firstly, by no means am i defining success with vast wealth and social connections (something that the world tends to do).

Success means contentment. Being grateful for the things we have and not worrying about the things that we don’t have or can’t do.

I am very grateful that I have supportive parents who have never criticised me about my lack of employment. Although, it took them awhile to understand my situation. You see, I suffer from migraines and with stress it gets worse. Add anxiety to the list and I have:

  • constant crying
  • chest pains
  • heart palpitations
  • loss of appetite
  • depression
  • suicidal thoughts
  • migraines everyday

This is not a pity party. This is not an excuse. I am not the only one in this world that suffe- that experiences this. I can’t be the only one. I am not alone. We are never alone. In a world where the cost of living is going up and employment rates are going down, I can’t be alone in this.

I know that not everyone is having a fun time. Everyone is suffering in some way. Of course, there are levels of suffering. Some people will never experience anxiety on the magnitude that I am too accustomed to. Some people (I have talked to), experience anxiety but they do not cry constantly, they do not have chest pains, they do not lose sleep over it, they do not have difficulty getting out of bed, they do not think of suicide.

Some people think suicide is a sign of weakness, a cowardice attempt to avoid all problems. A person who struggles with depression and suicide has one of the biggest hearts. They feel things more strongly than you. They experience pain and negativity more frequently than you. It is only natural to want to end the pain. Arguably, it is wrong but you cannot wholly blame the person for thinking this way or finally acting on it.

Is the world a good place? I have to say no. Depressed people know this. They see suffering on the streets, people who no longer smile, children with unkempt uniforms while their parents slog hours at work to give them education, people going hungry while the rich spend thousands of dollars on surgery and a dress for the red carpet but are still unhappy because of societal pressure. It is not a fair world. It is not a kind world.

I realise suicidal thinking may seem contradictory to Christian beliefs. Let me explain myself. I am an anxious Christian. It is hard to be a lamb (what the Bible teaches us) in a world that calls itself a dog-eat-dog-world. After years of struggling with depression, I confided in a friend that I was suicidal. I brought it up casually and we talked about it. Although, I could see hurt in her eyes that I would even think of ending my life and devastate those around me. What she told me changed me.

She said, “You don’t want to die, you just want to end the pain.” I couldn’t answer her but just nodded. It resonated within me. It brought tears to my eyes. Most people think suicidal people wallow in their sadness and seek pity when in fact, many want to be understood. Many seek for a way to end the ongoing pain.

I can only say this. I still have anxiety. I had anxiety this morning and woke up crying and can still feel the mild pangs of chest pains from the prior onslaught of an anxiety attack. I am not writing to tell you how to overcome anxiety. I am sharing to understand it. You cannot defeat an enemy without knowing it first.

I have cried and prayed and left it to God. The rest is up to me to continue the faith and fight it everyday. I cannot let this debilitate me. I still have doctor’s appointments to go to and a permanent job to find. It will be hard. Nobody said life was easy.

But God said, “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.” So, that’s what I’m going to do.