Defeat

Dear readers,

As a young girl, I dreamt of being somebody. As an adult, all my dreams lay crumbling on my feet as I realise the bitter reality that I am no one; nobody.

I thought that this sadness; this despair that I felt inside of me would magically go away. Try as I might, I experience bouts of it. Sometimes, it leaves and sometimes, it comes back and stays for too long like an unwelcome aunt.

Today it arrives with a bang! A dull pain at the back of my head and I’m rushing to bend over the toilet as I throw up guilt, frustration, and hopelessness…but the despair- it never gets emptied out. It stays as a remnant in my stomach, slowly seeping to other areas of my body. It is ice cold. It grips me inside like a vice threatening to never let go…and I let it. I am drained of any energy, any emotion, any light…I let it consume me because I am tired. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of fighting alone.

I surrender to my bed and arm myself against the voices with a soft, furry friend. I cry on my dog and she sighs. She lets me because I have no one else to turn to. The onslaught continues…”You’ll never be good enough!”, “Nobody likes you.”, “You are worthless.”

I let myself believe that they are right somehow. I know that perhaps this time they will win…and they will stay far too long like victors at a bloody battlefront having a drunken feast. They will laugh, and drink, and talk about their great conquest…and I will lie still and wait till they are bored of me…wait till I replenish my energy…wait till I have some peace even if it means that I cease to exist.

Seconds feel like hours in this war. My body longs for a ceasefire…but my mind…my mind is lost as a sheep that wandered too far from its flock and got devoured by a hungry wolf. Seconds feel like a lifetime in this war. I brace myself against the steel cold and await my fate.

“Only the dead have seen the end of war.” – Plato

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Dear readers,

I am currently sitting and having my breakfast by a window facing the many homogenous buildings of my city.

It is a bleak, grey day. This is perhaps, one of my favourite types of days. It is grey. There is no blinding, bright sunshine starkly reminding you of the little hours you’ve slept nor any turbulent thunderstorms that threaten to remove any trace of beauty and self-respect in public. It is just grey. I think I enjoy it because you can always blame your mood on the weather.

“Oh, you know, just a gloomy day…”

Instead of, “Oh, you know, just my usual anxiety depressing me, ha!”

I have a work meeting today. I can’t help but feel overwhelmed. I am trying to be positive but it’s hard when my anxiety is rattling all the bones inside of me. It’s hard when I feel alone.

I feel panic trying to rise up my throat but I keep swallowing and tell myself not to think about it. It doesn’t listen. My bowl of barely eaten soggy cereals stares up at me as proof.

Tears crept down my face when I woke up. I must be overthinking again. It really is an addiction. I’m focusing on ‘what could go wrong’ instead of ‘what could go right’.

I miss my boyfriend but he is more than 6000 miles away from me. Missing him makes me feel disempowered; useless; like I can’t stand on my two feet and need him as a crutch. But I can’t stand by myself either…

I feel restless and upset. I am looking at the time ticking away reminding me that every minute that passes by is a minute closer to doom. I cannot afford to think this way. I must be strong. After all, society values strength and independence but how many of us are strong alone? How many of us can be independent without any help? If there was a sad emoji, I would use it here.

The Bible teaches us that God is our strength. Without Him, we are powerless, a vanity. This is true. I feel distanced from God. I feel like I have sinned against him and He won’t help me. I also know that this is a lie. Doubt is one of the many weapons of the devil. Doubt, hopelessness, a sense of doom- I am losing in the spiritual warfare.

I don’t think anyone can see how broken I am inside. I paint my face and cover all the signs of sleeplessness and tears. I cannot paint my expression on unfortunately, but people always seem to mistake my silence for arrogance.

I hope that today will go well, that tomorrow will be better. I hope that none of you will have to feel this way but I know that too many people are going through what I am feeling now. There are many “I”s in this post but don’t mistake self-scrutiny for confidence. Be well, all of you. God bless you all.