Defeat

Dear readers,

As a young girl, I dreamt of being somebody. As an adult, all my dreams lay crumbling on my feet as I realise the bitter reality that I am no one; nobody.

I thought that this sadness; this despair that I felt inside of me would magically go away. Try as I might, I experience bouts of it. Sometimes, it leaves and sometimes, it comes back and stays for too long like an unwelcome aunt.

Today it arrives with a bang! A dull pain at the back of my head and I’m rushing to bend over the toilet as I throw up guilt, frustration, and hopelessness…but the despair- it never gets emptied out. It stays as a remnant in my stomach, slowly seeping to other areas of my body. It is ice cold. It grips me inside like a vice threatening to never let go…and I let it. I am drained of any energy, any emotion, any light…I let it consume me because I am tired. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of fighting alone.

I surrender to my bed and arm myself against the voices with a soft, furry friend. I cry on my dog and she sighs. She lets me because I have no one else to turn to. The onslaught continues…”You’ll never be good enough!”, “Nobody likes you.”, “You are worthless.”

I let myself believe that they are right somehow. I know that perhaps this time they will win…and they will stay far too long like victors at a bloody battlefront having a drunken feast. They will laugh, and drink, and talk about their great conquest…and I will lie still and wait till they are bored of me…wait till I replenish my energy…wait till I have some peace even if it means that I cease to exist.

Seconds feel like hours in this war. My body longs for a ceasefire…but my mind…my mind is lost as a sheep that wandered too far from its flock and got devoured by a hungry wolf. Seconds feel like a lifetime in this war. I brace myself against the steel cold and await my fate.

“Only the dead have seen the end of war.” – Plato

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Power to Move

 

cross

Dear readers (lets out a long sigh),

I wonder if some of you have partners or spouses who are not Christian. I wonder if you are going through the same predicament as I. It is very testing to lead someone to Christ especially if you are emotionally invested in the relationship. Some days, I feel like all is lost, some times, I feel like leaving and other days, I block it out because it grieves my heart.

I have waited 2 years but there doesn’t seem to be any sign of him turning to Christ. I know that God works in mysterious ways and I know that salvation is in God’s own timing. I know this yet I still grow impatient and frustrated that I am somehow alone in this. It feels like I am fighting a losing battle.

Deep inside, I know that I have been drifting away from God. I can barely feel His comfort though I know He is always there. This blog is a sign of my returning to Him. I do not enjoy being backslidden; having one foot in the world and the other in Christ. I never imagined choosing a partner who wasn’t Christian and introducing him to my family. I really must love this person if he was able to break me out of my ideals.

I must make a point that I am not criticising him. Having the knowledge of God and His salvation is an amazing grace. I just wish I could share the joy of worshipping God with him and knowing that our future is safe in His hands. I wish he could know the amazing power of prayer and abundance of God’s goodness. My partner has had a tough history coming from a broken home and having nothing. He has a void in his heart that I could only hope to fill…but I know that only God can make his heart whole again.

I have to trust in God’s plans and know that I am not the only one who wants him to turn to Christ. Of course, his heavenly Father wants his child to turn to Him too! I have found a useful post for Christians with partners struggling to accept the faith which I shall link here. I wish you all a Blessed Sunday and harmony within your relationships.  Remember to love, support, and respect your partners.

 

Masquerade

Dear readers (or rather myself),

It is 1pm on a Thursday. Yesterday was my 2 year anniversary with my boyfriend. It has been a milestone for us because we’ve experienced such hardship in our long-distance relationship.

We don’t come from the same city, nor the same country, and perhaps, not even the same region. This thought used to make me feel so powerless that there bore a great distance between us. However, if I can make someone feel a connection to me through this distance, I must be pretty darn powerful (here’s my attempt at positivity). 

It does not help that I am relatively unstable nor does it help that I am unable to find permanent work to fund my travel expenses to see him…but I’m sure that things will work out some way or another. Things tend to settle themselves with time.

Well, sometimes my boyfriend doesn’t see it that way. He thinks it’s actions that drive the course for change. What I think is that; in some ways, yes and in some ways, no. I have been trying, I really have. Do you really think I want to be stuck in this predicament? I’m just a firm believer in God’s plans. If I don’t get something, I’d think it wasn’t for me.

I need to be stronger for myself. I tend to get sorely depressed when I don’t feel good enough for him or my family. I tend to please them in some ways by pressurising myself and not taking a stand for myself. I have learnt that in this way, it is only I who suffers.

I read this interesting article which I shall link here. It’s titled, “The Hidden Antidote for Depression”. I think the title is spot on! It examines the hidden mechanisms behind depression. The main reason being; denying your sense of self.

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I have never thought that this was one of the reasons for depression. I thought maybe it was because (according to Google), I was overthinking, over focusing on myself and my problems, I was addicted to negativity, something was wrong with my neurotransmitters, diet, genetics, lack of exercise, the list goes on…Denying your sense of self depresses you when you can’t be who you want to be, or behave in a certain way, or even say what you really feel. It gets exhausting.

I read some of my diary entries about a short work stint I did. I wasn’t happy there. These are parts of the entries I wrote:

“I hate myself…I don’t even recognise myself in the mirror nor know who am I…”

“I’ve become quite the actress at work…it’s quite amusing to watch myself”

“…and when I come home, all I do is acting.”

“I am the entertainer; I give people what they want to see.”

“I really hate who I’ve become…I don’t know who I am anymore.”

“I never wanted to become this person…a disappointment to my family and boyfriend”

As you can see, I was trying to please everybody around me including people I didn’t even like at work, but not myself. I repressed myself so much that I did not know who I was anymore. (I do apologise about the excessive ellipses. My diary is a private Twitter account kept in lockdown).

I have come to the conclusion that; you must make yourself happy first then you can think about making other people happy. This can be difficult in relationships. Your partner is supposed to be on your team right? Your partner is supposed to be part of you. Your family is supposed to be supporting you? Well, yes…and no. They do want the best for you (if you are in healthy relationships), but they are not always right and they are not always right about you. 

You know yourself best. You know when to push your limits and when not to. You know what things make you happy and what doesn’t. It’s okay to step outside of the comfort zone but it’s also okay not to. It’s up to you; on your own time and target. Nobody should force or pressure anyone to do anything they do not want to do. Nobody should have to feel like a failure just because they didn’t do what wasn’t expected of them. You are your own vessel. You have to keep yourself afloat. Even if your loved ones do not understand your decisions, you do. Be you. Do you.

You will get there. I will get there. We will get there to that place that we want to be in. It takes time, some hardship, lots of prayers, and a lot of belief through God within yourself. We have to learn that even the people who love us can be detrimental to our own growth. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes…but one thing is sure, we know ourselves best and more so, God knows us better than we know ourselves.

“Not every loss is a lost.”

I do not believe in luck but you can infer from this quote:

“Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.”