Defeat

Dear readers,

As a young girl, I dreamt of being somebody. As an adult, all my dreams lay crumbling on my feet as I realise the bitter reality that I am no one; nobody.

I thought that this sadness; this despair that I felt inside of me would magically go away. Try as I might, I experience bouts of it. Sometimes, it leaves and sometimes, it comes back and stays for too long like an unwelcome aunt.

Today it arrives with a bang! A dull pain at the back of my head and I’m rushing to bend over the toilet as I throw up guilt, frustration, and hopelessness…but the despair- it never gets emptied out. It stays as a remnant in my stomach, slowly seeping to other areas of my body. It is ice cold. It grips me inside like a vice threatening to never let go…and I let it. I am drained of any energy, any emotion, any light…I let it consume me because I am tired. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of fighting alone.

I surrender to my bed and arm myself against the voices with a soft, furry friend. I cry on my dog and she sighs. She lets me because I have no one else to turn to. The onslaught continues…”You’ll never be good enough!”, “Nobody likes you.”, “You are worthless.”

I let myself believe that they are right somehow. I know that perhaps this time they will win…and they will stay far too long like victors at a bloody battlefront having a drunken feast. They will laugh, and drink, and talk about their great conquest…and I will lie still and wait till they are bored of me…wait till I replenish my energy…wait till I have some peace even if it means that I cease to exist.

Seconds feel like hours in this war. My body longs for a ceasefire…but my mind…my mind is lost as a sheep that wandered too far from its flock and got devoured by a hungry wolf. Seconds feel like a lifetime in this war. I brace myself against the steel cold and await my fate.

“Only the dead have seen the end of war.” – Plato

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Unsteady feet

Dear readers (or no one in particular),

I haven’t blogged since I was 14 years old. This year, I turn 24. It has been a 10 year break since I had the courage to share my thoughts online.

Yes, I am an anxious and insane Christian and have been since I graduated in 2014 and could not find permanent work.

Before you go, “Aren’t Christians supposed to be trusting in God and should not have fear?”

Why, yes! I do trust in God, I do believe He has a divine plan for me but I will face fear in this life. Fear is normal. Fear is natural. Fear was probably the first emotion that we experienced once we came out of our mother’s womb.

I want to break the illusion that anxiety sufferers will not lead a happy and successful life.

Firstly, by no means am i defining success with vast wealth and social connections (something that the world tends to do).

Success means contentment. Being grateful for the things we have and not worrying about the things that we don’t have or can’t do.

I am very grateful that I have supportive parents who have never criticised me about my lack of employment. Although, it took them awhile to understand my situation. You see, I suffer from migraines and with stress it gets worse. Add anxiety to the list and I have:

  • constant crying
  • chest pains
  • heart palpitations
  • loss of appetite
  • depression
  • suicidal thoughts
  • migraines everyday

This is not a pity party. This is not an excuse. I am not the only one in this world that suffe- that experiences this. I can’t be the only one. I am not alone. We are never alone. In a world where the cost of living is going up and employment rates are going down, I can’t be alone in this.

I know that not everyone is having a fun time. Everyone is suffering in some way. Of course, there are levels of suffering. Some people will never experience anxiety on the magnitude that I am too accustomed to. Some people (I have talked to), experience anxiety but they do not cry constantly, they do not have chest pains, they do not lose sleep over it, they do not have difficulty getting out of bed, they do not think of suicide.

Some people think suicide is a sign of weakness, a cowardice attempt to avoid all problems. A person who struggles with depression and suicide has one of the biggest hearts. They feel things more strongly than you. They experience pain and negativity more frequently than you. It is only natural to want to end the pain. Arguably, it is wrong but you cannot wholly blame the person for thinking this way or finally acting on it.

Is the world a good place? I have to say no. Depressed people know this. They see suffering on the streets, people who no longer smile, children with unkempt uniforms while their parents slog hours at work to give them education, people going hungry while the rich spend thousands of dollars on surgery and a dress for the red carpet but are still unhappy because of societal pressure. It is not a fair world. It is not a kind world.

I realise suicidal thinking may seem contradictory to Christian beliefs. Let me explain myself. I am an anxious Christian. It is hard to be a lamb (what the Bible teaches us) in a world that calls itself a dog-eat-dog-world. After years of struggling with depression, I confided in a friend that I was suicidal. I brought it up casually and we talked about it. Although, I could see hurt in her eyes that I would even think of ending my life and devastate those around me. What she told me changed me.

She said, “You don’t want to die, you just want to end the pain.” I couldn’t answer her but just nodded. It resonated within me. It brought tears to my eyes. Most people think suicidal people wallow in their sadness and seek pity when in fact, many want to be understood. Many seek for a way to end the ongoing pain.

I can only say this. I still have anxiety. I had anxiety this morning and woke up crying and can still feel the mild pangs of chest pains from the prior onslaught of an anxiety attack. I am not writing to tell you how to overcome anxiety. I am sharing to understand it. You cannot defeat an enemy without knowing it first.

I have cried and prayed and left it to God. The rest is up to me to continue the faith and fight it everyday. I cannot let this debilitate me. I still have doctor’s appointments to go to and a permanent job to find. It will be hard. Nobody said life was easy.

But God said, “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.” So, that’s what I’m going to do.